Ridiculously Epic…

Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what we do

It is what it is….

on February 23, 2011

I’ve struggled with depression since I was 13. There’s nothing really that has happened in my life that can really account for this depression, I just get sad sometimes. And for a while, I used to hurt myself because I didn’t know how to deal with the pain. (I was stupid and young, so sue me). That stopped over 7 years ago though; I’ve trained myself to cope in different ways – writing, painting, forcing myself to go out and have fun instead of sit around and wallow, play a game, call a friend or family member to get my mind off it, etc.

I went to church for a while; a place where you’re supposed to feel safe and supported…but I never really did. I actually hurt myself more during the period of time when I attended church than when I had stopped going to church. Not that that has any bearing or significance at all. Church wasn’t what made me hurt myself more – it was the hypocrisy. Those people that were supposed to be there for you, and help you through your time of need; they all pawned it off to God. God will help you, pray to God, etc etc etc. No person wanted to recognize what I was feeling or doing, no person wanted to help. It was frustrating, and it’s part of the reason I stopped going to church.

But this post isn’t about church, or God, or people choosing to see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe (i.e. cat scratches, they were always cat scratches…seriously people!?) This post is about me.

I am really good at pretending. I pretended a lot in high school. Pretended to be happy, confident, strong, etc. I think all of the pretending actually did me some good, but it did a lot of bad too. To this day, I still have a hard time separating myself from the real and the pretend. It’s just so much easier to pretend that everything is OK and that you’re not hurting inside because you have no explanation for it – and not very many people get that. So you just pretend, you push the pain aside and live your life in a fantasy world where everything is rainbows and sunshine and lollipops.

How do you explain to someone you’re close with, or even a complete stranger, that there’s nothing they can do about it? That it “just happens,” and it’ll go away eventually? I’ve found that people don’t really know how to handle the “I don’t know why, I just am. I have no explanation, it just is what it is” explanation. People don’t really believe you; they need to find a cause. Sometimes there just isn’t.

So sometimes I get sad. For absolutely no reason. And as of late, I’ve gotten this feeling. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and shoots up through my chest. If you’re familiar with Harry Potter, it’s what I imagine being attacked my a Dementor feels like….like all of the happiness has been sucked from the world. It is crippling sometimes, and it always brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I only get one, other times there’s 4 or more in a row and I have to do everything in my power from breaking down and sobbing right then and there. And there’s no specific trigger. Sometimes it just happens; even if I’m in a good place at that point in time – like if I’m hanging out with Jess or Ernest. And it’s really inconvenient because there’s no reason for that to happen so it’s kind of hard to explain “Oh no, don’t worry. This just happens sometimes. It’ll go away….eventually.”

I have never been on anti-depressants or any other kind of medication, because I don’t need them. If the day comes that I need them, I will get them. But until then, I get by, and I survive. So bear with me, and try to understand that sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Try to be patient, understanding, and caring. Stand by me, and don’t give up.

Be there for me.

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6 responses to “It is what it is….

  1. Becky R. says:

    I can totally relate to this. It is really hard to explain to people why the tears just come sometimes. I’ve been there too. If you ever need someone to talk to or just keep your mind off it for awhile I’m here (well a bit away, but closer via the computer at least). *hugs*

  2. Christal says:

    Jessi that was an amazing and beautiful post. It is very hard, scary, and tormenting. I’m so proud of you my good friend for healing so much and moving forward. You will be okay! Yours an inspiration to me!

    ❤ ,

    Christal

  3. Aunt Peggy says:

    Hey Jess! I love that you have new and healthy outlets for your pain. You really are strong even if you don’t fel like it. And you really are confident even if you don’t know exactly where you are going. Your actions speak for themselves!

    Know that I am here. For you.

    Always,
    Aunt Peggy

    Always,
    Aunt Peggy

  4. Mommy says:

    Jess…..
    I am just reminding you that I am always here for you. I wish I had been there for you more back in the day, but as you know I was and still am struggling with my own pain. I’m just so sorry I can’t help you with yours.

    If things are getting worse, please try to find some help. If you don’t want to try meds, I understand because I didn’t want to be on them either but I have no choice. Now that you have insurance, maybe you can find a good therapist/counselor to help you? I didn’t want to do that either, but well, you know how it is with me.

    I am sorry if I have cursed you with the mental illness that runs in some of my family. It sucks, it hurts, and not very many people understand. You are a strong woman though, and I know you can get through things because you found healthy ways to cope on your own! I am so proud of you for that! I never found healthy ways until the last few years, and even then I have a hard time utilizing them.

    Just keep being you, and I know you are not as fake as you think! 😛 You are my baby, and I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter than you. I Love You!

    Love,
    Mommy

  5. Hannah says:

    I just stumbled on your blog today and I wanted to say how much I love your writing and how much I related with this post. I’ve had a very similar experience, struggling with depression and self-harm since I was about 13. The description of the dementors is the perfect analogy for that feeling of hopelessness, the dark cloud that won’t seem to go away. I finally decided to try anti-depressants when I was 19. I was very lucky and the first one I tried worked extremely well for me with almost no side effects. It was the realization that I didn’t have to feel that way anymore. I am still free to feel all my emotions, including depressed, but without that dark cloud of spiraling negative thoughts constantly over my head.
    I know this is an old post, and you sound like you’re doing amazing and from reading your blog, I can only say that the title is incredibly accurate. You’re basically just awesome. I guess just don’t forget that.

    • redepic says:

      Hannah – thank you for your comment. Your comment totally took me by surprise and I want you to know how much it meant to me! Thank you! 🙂

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