Ridiculously Epic…

Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what we do

Unwanted Change in Plans

on March 20, 2011

I’ve been wanting to write this entry for a few days now…but have also been kind of an emotional wreck about things, and busy/exhausted, so it’s been put off until now.

The word on the street is that I will no longer be living with Jess, my current roommate – we’ve decided that our friendship just won’t stand if we continue living together, and neither of us want that. She’s one of my best friends, and I don’t want to lose her as such.

There’s a new word on the street; that I will no longer be living with Ernest, my boyfriend.

Both are true.

Ernest and I had been discussing the prospect of moving in together for a few months, and a couple weeks ago he dropped the bomb that this was no longer the case. He’s not ready.

And I get it – truly and honestly. As easy as it is to forget, he is only 22. He’s only ever not lived at home for the 1 year he attended Miami of Ohio, and we all know that “living on your own” at college only kind of counts as “living on your own.”  I get that he wants his space, and to make his own rules, have his own place, not have to answer to anyone but himself, etc. But regardless of how much I understand and respect him not being ready for that kind of commitment, it doesn’t make anything easier.

See, I dated a guy before Ernest named Kevin. Kevin and I were together for 5 years. Yeah, 5 years. It was a long time to be with someone, someone who wasn’t ready for commitment either. Someone who eventually broke up with me because he wasn’t ready to commit (that and we were terribly unhappy together). So when a 5 year relationship ends because of fear of commitment, you become a little skeptical/scared of commitaphobia. And one begins to wonder what is wrong with them, that these 2 people didn’t/don’t want to commit to them. Something has to be wrong with me, I had to have done something wrong. Or at least it feels that way.

As much as you try to convince me that there’s nothing wrong with me, I won’t believe you. I may shut up about it and pretend that it doesn’t bother me, but it will always be there. Poorly locked in the tiniest back corner of my brain…waiting to break out at the most inconvenient of times and make me even more vulnerable and pathetic than normal.

And I’m trying – trying harder than I think I’ve ever tried before. Trying to be OK with it, and trying to not resent him for completely pulling the rug out from under my feet. It’s really hard, because again – I do understand and respect his needs – but I also feel a little rejected, and unwanted. And as silly and selfish as that may be, or seem, it’s how I feel. But I’m trying…don’t doubt that for a second. Every time I think I’m OK with it, something happens to remind me of how incredibly excited I was to take that step with him and how incredibly devastated I was when he told me he wasn’t ready.

So here I am, a month later, not knowing where I’ll be living come the end of May, completely dissatisfied with what has taken place in the last month, and at a complete loss for what the hell is going on in my life.


One response to “Unwanted Change in Plans

  1. Aunt Peggy says:

    Nooooooo like.

    Looooove you.

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