Ridiculously Epic…

Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what we do

Size Matters

It has bothered me for months that I can only compare the size of my growing child to fruits or vegetables. At first, it wasn’t bad. I could easily visualize how big the Tiny Human inside of me was when my Baby Bump app said that he was the size of a blueberry, avocado, even onion. But once I hit week 19 things started getting fuzzy. As a non-tomato eater I know there are grape tomatoes and then bigger-than-grape-tomatoes. So when week 19 told me that Tiny Human was the size of an heirloom tomato, I was having difficult visualizing it.

That’s when I hit The Goog in attempts to find some type of baby size chart that was more tangible, something that I could relate to easier than some of the upcoming comparisons. Every fracking result was fruits and vegetables!!! How difficult is it to give women (and men) a more realistic idea of how big their baby is?

So I took it upon myself to search Google for things that were the same size as these fruits and vegetables I was getting. WASTE. OF. TIME. Every time I tried searching, I would just get images of women’s torsos with said fruit/vegetable next to it or a link to yet ANOTHER website with a fruit/veggie comparison. Regardless of what I typed in for the search. Eventually I just gave up, and started picturing my Tiny Human smooshed into the shape of the fruit/veggie-of-the-week (usually after searching for what the veggie of the week looked like if I wasn’t sure).

I did eventually find 2 different sites that gave comparisons that were not fruits/veggies. They are both great in helping me visualize better, but sadly both are catered to the dads. This is disappointing to me. Why is this targeted at dads? Neither my husband or I know what some of these vegetables look like, so why are these non-fruit/veggie comparisons just for dad? I call bullshit. Just because I am a woman, I should innately know what a hothouse cucumber (week 26) looks like? Or how big a “small” cantaloupe (week 20) is in comparison to an “average” cantaloupe (week 34)? At week 25, Tiny Human was the size of a rutabaga. I’ve been sharing these fruit/veggie comparisons with some friends over the weeks, and only one knew what a rutabaga looked like. Either we are all terribly uneducated on vegetables, or these size comparisons are weird. I vote option #2.

Well, I’m done. Now for your amusement….which one is easier for your mind to wrap itself around?

Week 21…Banana v. Beer Bottle

21 Weeks - Banana21 Weeks - Beer Bottle

Week 26…Hothouse Cucumber v. Work Boot


26 Weeks - Hothouse Cucumber26 Weeks - Work Boot

Week 31…4 Navel Oranges v. the big wheel on a Big Wheel Trike

31 Weeks - 4 Navel Oranges31 Weeks - Big Wheel

Week 38…Leek v. Beach Ball

38 Weeks - Leek38 Weeks - Beach Ball

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It’s All Fun and Games Until Somebody Gets Pregnant

Unless you just think that I’ve been eating way too much Chipotle, it should be quite obvious that I am pregnant…almost 7 months pregnant to be exact. While it might be true that I have been thoroughly enjoying my fair share of delicious rice, steak, corn, tomatoes, and cheese (doctor’s orders…I swear), it is not the cause of my burgeoning belly. According to my baby app, I’ve got a tiny human that weighs about 2 pounds and is the size of a 14.5″ cauliflower hanging out inside my uterus. He should be making an appearance around May 10, if all goes according to plan.

I am in no way, shape, or form an expert on pregnancy (is anyone really?) However, I’ve read some blogs, talked to friends, and done a good amount of research on pregnancy and the ridiculous stuff you experience in the 9 months a person spends as an incubator for the tiny human. Despite all of this “research,” nothing truly prepares you for the changes that you experience during pregnancy.

One reoccurring thought I’ve been having is the amount of stuff one does on a daily basis that they now have to think about…that they’ve never had to think about before.

Peeing

Yes, peeing. Never once in my life have I ever doubted myself whilst peeing. You sit down, you pee, you wash your hands…end of story, right? Wrong. I find myself hanging out in the bathroom just a few minutes longer. Why? Because there’s always some pee left in there. Always. And it’s a huge pain in the ass to start washing my hands only to realize that why yes, yes you still have to pee. My hands are so dry from washing and re-washing because my body doesn’t know when it’s done peeing anymore. It’s sad when a person can’t even trust their own bladder.

Bending Over

This morning I dropped my Kindle charger on the floor. Now, just a couple of months ago I would’ve just bent right over and picked it up. However now I have to think about which way I can/should bend in order to retrieve the item I have dropped. Most of the time, I have this awkward squatting stance where I slowly bend over to my right side while holding on to something with my left hand to keep my balance. My husband keeps looking at my like a bird with a broken wing…eyes full of pity and mildly sad that I’m floundering so helplessly to complete such a simple, mundane task. Usually this provokes a “Stop looking at me like that, you did this to me!” (all in good fun of course).

Sitting

There’s nothing quite like curling up on the couch with your significant other/dog/cat/whatever while watching some Grey’s Anatomy, or Dexter. But not anymore. Maybe never again. Back pain is an annoyingly common symptom of pregnancy. Mine is exacerbated by trying to get comfortable. Sitting for more than 20-30 minutes usually causes some pretty intense pain in my middle to lower back on the right side. Driving or riding in the car? I swear that there are several tiny little leprechauns in the seats stabbing me in the back with knives. You just can’t trust leprechauns.

Sleeping

I love sleep. Or I used to anyway. We invested in a body pillow in my early pregnancy (Target clearance after back to school? Score!) It takes up 1/3 of our bed, and I usually end up with at least part of my body under the pillow at some point throughout the night. I can only lay on my left side with the pillow between my legs or on my back propped up by pillows. I wake up on average at least 2 times a night, usually because I have to pee, but sometimes because of the aforementioned back pain. I like to play a game when I wake up in the middle of the night and am still half asleep called “If I Fall Back Asleep Right Now, What Are the Chances I’ll Pee the Bed?” Fortunately, I’m not a chance-taker so I just get up and pee anyway. Our dog, Avery, hates the body pillow because there’s no room for her on the bed anymore, and oftentimes will try to lay half on it and half on me. This doesn’t usually end well for her.

Sex

Let’s preface this one with I’M PREGNANT. I am not the Virgin Mary, this baby was not immaculately conceived. Little Lucas is the result of some good old-fashioned fornication. And you’re not allowed to be grossed out by that. Hate to break it to you, but sex happens. Now onto my point here…for the first month after we discovered that we had successfully created a tiny human there was no sex. I had crazy cramping, which is a common symptom in early pregnancy, but not one that people talk about? I think it’s because most women are too busy being miserable from puking their guts out with morning sickness to realize they’re having horrible cramps. Once that phase was over, the sex was UH-MAY-ZING. I mean, it’s always been fantastic, I have an incredible husband. We work well together. But in the early pregnancy, it was magically more amazing. Now…well…my tummy sticks out past my boobs and things are uncomfortable when I walk across the room. I’ll spare you the details, but as amazing as things are…that doesn’t mean they’re entirely comfortable.

Breathing

Some of you might be asking “C’mon, really? Breathing? That’s second nature!” Well let me tell you, breathing is hard when you’re growing a baby. I work in a fast paced environment handling dogs and cats that demands fast talking and fast movement. Guess what makes me out of breath? Fast anything. I’m so used to just being able to talk or move quickly, that I find myself getting winded and embarrassed talking to clients – especially on tours. Luckily I work with amazing people who are incredibly helpful to me, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be the client calling to check on their pet and have me answer the phone because by the time I’m done checking on their pet, they might as well just pick them up it took me so damn long.

When all is said and done, I am super excited to be a mom. I am fortunate that I get to experience being pregnant because there are people out there who can’t. I am lucky to have a supportive and wonderful husband who is just as excited as me about this baby (he also has some pretty funny thoughts on babies, you can check him out here). Pregnancy is a weird thing, and does weird things to your body, but I don’t even have my little man in my arms yet and I know that all this weirdness is worth it in the end.

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