Ridiculously Epic…

Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what we do

Almost a Year…

Ernest and I have been living together for a year, and I love our life together 🙂

So some updates…

I am now the Customer Service Manager. Most days I love what I do, I love being the manager and I love what I’ve accomplished in turning the Customer Service Department around to be more efficient and accurate. There definitely have been some bumps in the road, but it’s all been worth it. Some days I’m on my way to work and I think to myself “This is my job? How did I end up here?!” That’s not necessarily a bad thing…just not where I pictured myself when I graduated college 4 years ago.

Ernest and I got engaged! 🙂
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Ernest proposed on November 14, 2011. We will be getting married on March 30, 2013. I couldn’t be happier with our life. He is just the perfect man for me, and I can’t believe that I am lucky enough to be marrying him.

We are also moving out of our apartment (YAYYY!!!!) and into a house this Saturday. We’re just renting for now, but it’s a HUGE step up from what we’re doing now.

Ernest and I took our first vacation together to visit my family in Vermont and to go to my cousin’s wedding. It was a fantastic week filled with all kinds of fun touristy stuff (Ben & Jerry’s, Magic Hat, Vermont Teddy Bear Company, Church Street Marketplace, etc), some not-so-touristy stuff (cliff diving), seeing my grade-school friends, and time with the family. I wish we could have stayed longer than a week, but alas work gets in the way of funsies. At least we know that the drive isn’t too bad and we can easily accomplish a drive to Vermont (or back) in about 10 1/2 hours, depending on stops.

Me, Grandma O, Grandpa O and Ernest

Me, Mom and Ernest

My brother and I

After cliff diving

Eating creemees together 🙂

Ernest and I are the top of Church Street Marketplace

Outside the Vermont Teddy Bear Company

Outside the Vermont Pub and Brewery with my friends!

At the wedding

So hopefully I’ll be spending more time blogging…less time doing other crap that is less interesting…but we’ll see.

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I love my life with you…

I went to Chicago at the end of June for a belated birthday celebration.

Lincoln Park Conservatory

I spent time relaxing on the beach, experiencing my first turtle races, exploring the Taste of Chicago (most delicious day of my life, I think), visited the Lincoln Park Conservatory and Lincoln Park Zoo, and just enjoyed my visit. Upon my arrival back in Cleveland, my amazing boyfriend surprised me with a potted lily. All in all a pretty perfect trip 🙂

A few days later we were hanging out in my living room when he looked at me and said “You know, we’re going to have to find a place for my desk in here.” I just stared at him for a second and said “What do you mean?” He responded with “You didn’t really think we’d wait an entire year to move in together, did you?”

I could have punched him!

In short, we decided to move in together. We added him to my lease, then inquired about the procedure to move from my 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom in the same building. The original plan was for him to move in slowly, a little bit at a time over a couple of months. But if we wanted a 2 bedroom, we needed to be out by the end of July.

Ooooh, pretty couch...

So we did it. We moved July 30. We bought a red couch, and took a huge step, and moved in together. We couldn’t be happier.

I told him the other day that it’s a little surreal, living with him. That I sometimes have to remind myself that No, really…we do live together. And Ernest is not going to be going home, because he already is, in fact, home. It’s awesome.

Toothless

We also got a gecko from my friend – we named him Toothless. He’s nocturnal, and loves baby food. We love him!

The other fun thing, is I left the daycare. And I’m back with my old company – The Barkley. Except this time I’m doing something a little different…re-writing the Customer Service Training Manual and Marketing. I still have a LOT to learn in the marketing department, but it’s OK because my main focus has been this manual, which is extremely time consuming. Starting at a computer screen all day can be a bit…well…boring, but it’s all good. It’s not all I’ll be doing. Lots more things to cover, explore and try out in the coming months. Exciting stuff.

Life is good. 🙂

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“It’s been a long time….”

(Title inspired by the song “Long Time” by Cake. Super awesome song.)

I moved. Like, 3 weeks ago. And living alone is cool, cause you can run around my apartment in your underwear (if your name is Ernest), or listen to music really loud and vacuum at 11pm (if your name is Jessi and your family/your boyfriend’s family is coming over the next day and you haven’t cleaned yet because you hit your head and spent 40 minutes on the couch holding ice to your head and drinking a Blue Moon Summer Honey Wheat). But it’s also boring, and lonely. I don’t have internet or cable yet…it’s coming though. July 2. And I can only watch a movie, play my Wii, or play the Sims so many times before I want to poke my eyes out.

Which is why I wasted $6.12 on a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup at Panera when I have a freezer/pantry full of food, so I could use their interwebs. And why I bug Ernest to come over all the time. OK, so I don’t actually bug him to come over all the time…he likes to come over, and does so willingly. I promise!

Former-Roomie-Jess and I hung out a few days after the move, and we decided that we can’t live with each other, but we can’t live without each other either. Sad business.

Something else exciting happened. I moved, AND I had a birthday. I turned 25. It was a good day, and a fantastic weekend. I’m a quarter of a century old, bitches.

And despite the fact that I’m bored, and a little lonely…life is really great. I’m the happiest I can remember being in a really long time, aside from some expected job dissatisfaction.

I have never been so happy and discontent with my life at the same time before. I want to do more with my life than what I am currently doing. And I want to move on from this stage of my life. But you know what they say, all good things in time. Or whatever. It is what it is. But isn’t it the case, to always want more than what you have?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for what I have…I’m just tired of feeling mediocre and like I’ve hit a plateau. I’m just waiting.

Well, this was an incredibly random post. But I’m tired. And I’ve been sitting in a Panera for like, 1.5 hours. Cut me some slack.

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Agitation

There are a lot of things in this world that are agitating. Except you can’t write about them on a public blog. Mostly because if those things are your friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, parents, other family, dog, job, etc….the people who are are agitated at are more than likely to find out. And most of the time, if you’re agitated…you’re just going to be agitated and not do anything about the situation. So you don’t want said people to find out.

Except your dog, cause he can’t read anyway.

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6 Months

Six months isn’t really that significant to most relationships. It’s half a year, which is cool, but most people don’t celebrate or recognize it. But since Ernest and I went through the ringer to even get to this point, I thought that we should do something a little different than normal in recognition of our achievement 🙂

Here’s the story: My ex broke up with me in March 2010. After a couple months I joined plentyoffish.com to see what else was out there, and to help myself move on from Kevin. Ernest messaged me in June (I think), and we chatted via plentyoffishmail for a month or so and then I gave him my phone number. We texted and tried to make plans, and were eventually able to find a day that worked for the both of us – July 6. We met at Tomaydo Tomahhdo for dinner, and got awesome balloon animals.

After Tomaydo Tomahhdo we decided to go to a metropark nearby (we weren’t sure what was going to happen after dinner A: In case we didn’t hit it off and B: It was disgustingly hot that day, but cooled off enough after dinner).

I hopped in Ernest’s car and we headed to Squire’s Castle where we spent a few hours talking and walking around on the trails in the woods. Neither of us wanted the date to end, so we decided to go back to my place (I know, I know…what a terrible idea for someone who just met a guy off the internet! But clearly, he is not a rapist/murderer, so my judgement was sound!) and watch Wall-E. We continued to see each other at least 3 times a week for the next few weeks.

At this point, my ex had decided that he wanted me back and was trying to prove to me that he was a changed person and that we belonged together. I was incredibly confused because on one hand I had been with Kevin for 5 years and although I wasn’t sure that we belonged together, I didn’t want to play “what if” with him. But on the other hand, we had broken up because Kevin wasn’t ready to commit and I had met Ernest, who I was clearly smitten with at this point, and didn’t want to play the “what if” game with him either. I eventually broke things off with Ernest so that I wasn’t leading him on while I tried to figure out where my feelings fell on the Ernest-Kevin spectrum.

A couple weeks later Ernest decided that he wanted me in his life, even if it was only as friends so we started hanging out again. Clearly we had feelings for each other, and “just friends” wasn’t quite working for us so this time Ernest ended things. Ernest had also decided that since we couldn’t be more than friends, then we weren’t going to be just friends either.

I had also realized by this point that I wasn’t on the same page with Kevin, and although I thought I wanted what he wanted, I was wrong. And I also had feelings for another man. So I was trying to find the best way to tell Kevin this without feeling like a total jerk.

After a few weeks of barely talking to Ernest and fighting/crying with Kevin, I finally got Ernest to agree to hang out with me. I went over to his house and had dinner with him and his parents, and then we all hung out in the back yard around their fire pit having a couple drinks and talking. His parents eventually went to bed, and Ernest and I decided to address the elephant in the room that had been there since I arrived; “us.” We realized that “just friends” wasn’t going to work for us, and not being together wasn’t going to work for us. So, enough was enough and we decided to be together, forreal.

The next day I had the conversation with Kevin, via text. I wanted to do it in person, or at least over the phone, but he didn’t want to come over or call, so text it was. I suppose text was easier than phone/in person, but in all fairness – he broke up with me over a phone call. Anyway, that’s besides the point. After the conversation was over, Ernest and I made it official on Facebook and there began our journey to today.

It hasn’t been easy, not even a little bit. But it’s been worth every struggle/problem we’ve faced and overcome. Our relationship is fun, silly, amazing, and strong.

So today we had lunch, went to a library book sale, then Half Priced books, then to the metroparks and sat by Tinker’s Creek…

…took a walk around Bridal Veil Falls…

…then went to the Tinker’s Creek Gorge Scenic Overlook on our way back home.

It was damn near perfect…the weather was absolutely amazing.

 

 

Long (no seriously, long…I am incapable of telling short/quick stories) story short, I love this man. ♥

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Nostalgia

On my way home from work tonight 2 things happen that made me feel nostalgic,

The first: A voice mail from my cousin Tyler;

The “Woogawoo” (which Tyler affectionately remembers as “Woogaboo” apparently)  was a creature my Grandpa O invented when we were kids.

(Sidebar: My mom’s sister (my amazing Aunt Peggy) has 2 boys. My brother, me, and my 2 cousins have birthdays exactly 18 months apart; Tim 9/9/84, Me 6/7/86, RJ 9/9/88, Tyler 6/9/90; so we grew up together, quite literally.)

So my brother, cousins and I used to take walks with our grandpa on these traintracks :

And as we took our walks, he would tell us that we had to walk on the slats, because the Woogawoo lived under the train tracks and if we fell off the Woogawoo would get us! Of course we ate it up, and loved it. I can’t even begin to count how many walks we would take with our Grandpa, and how many times we thought the “Woogawoo” was going to get us. I miss being able to take those walks with him…it is one of my fondest memories from my childhood.

The second: a Strawberry Milkshake from McDonald’s;

During my senior year of high school, I hated taking the bus – so my Grandpa D would drive me to work on the condition that I was up and ready to leave with them to bring my Grandma to work. One morning I asked if we could stop at McDonald’s to get a strawberry milkshake on the way to school from my grandma’s work. Every morning from then on we’d stop and he’d get a coffee and I’d get my milkshake. The same lady was always working the register and got to know us/our order. Then I’d have to drink it real quick before I had to go to first period because my government teacher was  milkshake-nazi, and if I hadn’t finished it by that time she’d make the throw it away.  I often ended up sharing my milkshake with my 2 best friends, Meghan and Tyler, so that I wouldn’t have to waste any of it. McDonald’s has since tried to fancy it up by making it a McCafe Shake and adding whipped cream and a cheery (boo!), but it tastes just the same and will forever make me think of my Grandpa.

Essentially I have the 2 best Grandpa’s in the world, and I am also lucky enough that both of them are still in my life. My Grandpa D will be in 67 November, and my Grandpa O will be 82 in May. Both my Grandma’s too! And one great-grandma.

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March 22, 2010

I had planned on writing an entry about March 22, 2010 on March 22, 2011….except that I thought that March 22, 2010 was actually the 25th or 26th, clearly – I was wrong.

(I’m not even sure that makes sense.)

Let me rewind. I had planned on writing an entry on the anniversary of Kevin breaking up with me, cause you know – we were together for 5 years and the anniversary of our demise is significant; or I felt like it was going to be, or something. Except I was totally wrong on the date. I thought it was March 25 or 26, but when I look at a calendar from 2010 the day we broke up was actually March 22. I know because it was  a Monday, and Jess and I had just resigned our lease earlier in the day.

And…guess what? It totally wasn’t significant. At all.

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Unwanted Change in Plans

I’ve been wanting to write this entry for a few days now…but have also been kind of an emotional wreck about things, and busy/exhausted, so it’s been put off until now.

The word on the street is that I will no longer be living with Jess, my current roommate – we’ve decided that our friendship just won’t stand if we continue living together, and neither of us want that. She’s one of my best friends, and I don’t want to lose her as such.

There’s a new word on the street; that I will no longer be living with Ernest, my boyfriend.

Both are true.

Ernest and I had been discussing the prospect of moving in together for a few months, and a couple weeks ago he dropped the bomb that this was no longer the case. He’s not ready.

And I get it – truly and honestly. As easy as it is to forget, he is only 22. He’s only ever not lived at home for the 1 year he attended Miami of Ohio, and we all know that “living on your own” at college only kind of counts as “living on your own.”  I get that he wants his space, and to make his own rules, have his own place, not have to answer to anyone but himself, etc. But regardless of how much I understand and respect him not being ready for that kind of commitment, it doesn’t make anything easier.

See, I dated a guy before Ernest named Kevin. Kevin and I were together for 5 years. Yeah, 5 years. It was a long time to be with someone, someone who wasn’t ready for commitment either. Someone who eventually broke up with me because he wasn’t ready to commit (that and we were terribly unhappy together). So when a 5 year relationship ends because of fear of commitment, you become a little skeptical/scared of commitaphobia. And one begins to wonder what is wrong with them, that these 2 people didn’t/don’t want to commit to them. Something has to be wrong with me, I had to have done something wrong. Or at least it feels that way.

As much as you try to convince me that there’s nothing wrong with me, I won’t believe you. I may shut up about it and pretend that it doesn’t bother me, but it will always be there. Poorly locked in the tiniest back corner of my brain…waiting to break out at the most inconvenient of times and make me even more vulnerable and pathetic than normal.

And I’m trying – trying harder than I think I’ve ever tried before. Trying to be OK with it, and trying to not resent him for completely pulling the rug out from under my feet. It’s really hard, because again – I do understand and respect his needs – but I also feel a little rejected, and unwanted. And as silly and selfish as that may be, or seem, it’s how I feel. But I’m trying…don’t doubt that for a second. Every time I think I’m OK with it, something happens to remind me of how incredibly excited I was to take that step with him and how incredibly devastated I was when he told me he wasn’t ready.

So here I am, a month later, not knowing where I’ll be living come the end of May, completely dissatisfied with what has taken place in the last month, and at a complete loss for what the hell is going on in my life.

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Give and Get is Here!

I’ve worked at Old Navy for 2 1/2 years, and I love Give & Get time! Enjoy 30% off from March 17-20 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we’ll make a 5% donation to a non-profit via Give and Get is Here!.

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It is what it is….

I’ve struggled with depression since I was 13. There’s nothing really that has happened in my life that can really account for this depression, I just get sad sometimes. And for a while, I used to hurt myself because I didn’t know how to deal with the pain. (I was stupid and young, so sue me). That stopped over 7 years ago though; I’ve trained myself to cope in different ways – writing, painting, forcing myself to go out and have fun instead of sit around and wallow, play a game, call a friend or family member to get my mind off it, etc.

I went to church for a while; a place where you’re supposed to feel safe and supported…but I never really did. I actually hurt myself more during the period of time when I attended church than when I had stopped going to church. Not that that has any bearing or significance at all. Church wasn’t what made me hurt myself more – it was the hypocrisy. Those people that were supposed to be there for you, and help you through your time of need; they all pawned it off to God. God will help you, pray to God, etc etc etc. No person wanted to recognize what I was feeling or doing, no person wanted to help. It was frustrating, and it’s part of the reason I stopped going to church.

But this post isn’t about church, or God, or people choosing to see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe (i.e. cat scratches, they were always cat scratches…seriously people!?) This post is about me.

I am really good at pretending. I pretended a lot in high school. Pretended to be happy, confident, strong, etc. I think all of the pretending actually did me some good, but it did a lot of bad too. To this day, I still have a hard time separating myself from the real and the pretend. It’s just so much easier to pretend that everything is OK and that you’re not hurting inside because you have no explanation for it – and not very many people get that. So you just pretend, you push the pain aside and live your life in a fantasy world where everything is rainbows and sunshine and lollipops.

How do you explain to someone you’re close with, or even a complete stranger, that there’s nothing they can do about it? That it “just happens,” and it’ll go away eventually? I’ve found that people don’t really know how to handle the “I don’t know why, I just am. I have no explanation, it just is what it is” explanation. People don’t really believe you; they need to find a cause. Sometimes there just isn’t.

So sometimes I get sad. For absolutely no reason. And as of late, I’ve gotten this feeling. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and shoots up through my chest. If you’re familiar with Harry Potter, it’s what I imagine being attacked my a Dementor feels like….like all of the happiness has been sucked from the world. It is crippling sometimes, and it always brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I only get one, other times there’s 4 or more in a row and I have to do everything in my power from breaking down and sobbing right then and there. And there’s no specific trigger. Sometimes it just happens; even if I’m in a good place at that point in time – like if I’m hanging out with Jess or Ernest. And it’s really inconvenient because there’s no reason for that to happen so it’s kind of hard to explain “Oh no, don’t worry. This just happens sometimes. It’ll go away….eventually.”

I have never been on anti-depressants or any other kind of medication, because I don’t need them. If the day comes that I need them, I will get them. But until then, I get by, and I survive. So bear with me, and try to understand that sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Try to be patient, understanding, and caring. Stand by me, and don’t give up.

Be there for me.

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